ISO 27001 A.8.1.3 + CIS Control 16.8: Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Document The Inevitable
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Except the stupid shit people keep doing on company systems. That's documented, logged, and will be used against you. FNORD.
Think for yourself. Question authority. But also question why your colleagues keep installing "totally legitimate" cryptocurrency miners. Are YOU paranoid enough to read the AUP? Nobody else is.
Welcome to Chapel Perilous, psychonaut. At Hack23, our Acceptable Use Policy isn't corporate theater—it's ISO 27001 A.8.1.3 (Acceptable Use of Assets), CIS Control 16.8 (Acceptable Use Policy), and GDPR Art. 5 (Data Processing Principles) compliance weaponized into systematic reality. Every rule exists because someone did that EXACT stupid thing. Every specific prohibition is an archaeological record of past facepalms.
ILLUMINATION: Acceptable use policies don't prevent bad behavior—they document it so HR has ammo. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy. When (not if) you violate the AUP, know that we saw it coming and wrote it down first. You're not special.
Are you paranoid enough? Our approach combines business purpose primary standards (translation: work, not Netflix) with reasonable personal use allowances (because we're not monsters), annual review cycles (somebody has to read this), and single-person company transparency (yes, I'm watching myself, recursively). The panopticon works best when you internalize the watcher. Full technical paranoia in our public Acceptable Use Policy.
The Five Commandments (That Everyone Breaks Until HR Gets Involved)
1. 🎯 Business Purpose Primary (Mostly)
Company systems are for work. Shocking, right? Software development, cybersecurity consulting, client delivery, business admin. But we're not sociopaths—reasonable personal use is fine. Check your email. Read the news. Learn stuff. Just don't mine Bitcoin or run your side hustle dropshipping operation. FNORD.
Reasonable personal use: email, news, learning. Unacceptable: competing business, excessive cat videos, cryptocurrency mining (yes, we can tell). The panopticon sees all but chooses its battles.
2. 🔐 Security: Not Optional, Not Negotiable
All system usage follows security policies. ALL. MFA or GTFO. Encryption mandatory. VPN when remote. Secure code or code review hell. Are you paranoid enough to follow basic security hygiene? The attackers are.
Security controls protect YOU from yourself. That "one time" you skipped MFA? That's when the breach happens. Murphy's Law is a security framework.
3. ⚖️ Legal Compliance (Or: How To Avoid Prison)
Don't do illegal shit. GDPR isn't optional. Copyright law applies to you. Computer crime laws will ruin your life. Export controls on crypto are real. Single-person company or enterprise, laws don't care about your org chart. ISO 27001 A.8.1.3 + GDPR Art. 5 = staying out of court.
"I didn't know" is not a legal defense. "The bureaucracy made me do it" works even less. Know the law or hire someone who does. We chose option two.
4. 🤝 Professional Conduct (Be Less Terrible)
Don't harass people. Don't discriminate. Don't be malicious. Don't make us write MORE specific rules. Every absurdly detailed prohibition exists because SOMEONE did that EXACT thing. You're not that someone. Right? RIGHT?
Professional conduct = competitive advantage. Clients audit our security culture. Every policy violation is visible in logs. The panopticon is real and it's made of CloudTrail.
5. 🌟 Radical Transparency (Surprise: You're Monitored)
No expectation of privacy on company systems. Everything is logged. Everything is monitored. Annual review (next: 2026-11-05) means living documentation. Public AUP on GitHub because security through obscurity is security through stupidity. CIS Control 16.8 compliance through uncomfortable honesty.
Secret AUPs are vulnerabilities. Public policies are accountability. We tell you we're watching. The paranoid survive. Are YOU paranoid enough?
Monitoring & Privacy: Yes, We're Watching (For Your Own Good)
Surprise! Company systems are monitored. Shocked? You shouldn't be. This isn't 1984—it's worse, it's 2025 and everything logs to CloudWatch. Hack23 monitors per Incident Response Plan (when shit hits fan) and Security Metrics (proving we actually do security):
| What We Watch | Why We're Paranoid | How Long We Remember |
|---|
| System access & authentication | Detect unauthorized access, track security events | Per Data Classification Policy |
| Network traffic & security events | Incident detection and response | 90 days operational, 7 years compliance |
| Cloud infrastructure usage | Cost management, security monitoring | AWS CloudTrail + Config retention |
| Code repository commits | Audit trail, compliance demonstration | Permanent (public repositories) |
| Security tool alerts | Vulnerability management, threat detection | Per tool-specific retention policies |
Privacy Protections:
- No expectation of privacy: Business systems monitored for security and compliance purposes
- GDPR compliance: Personal data handled per Privacy Policy
- Data retention: Per Data Classification Policy requirements
- Single-person company: CEO has full access to all monitoring data; no employee surveillance concerns
- Third-party logs: Vendor logs protected per service agreements (AWS, GitHub, SonarCloud)
META-ILLUMINATION: Monitoring focused on security purposes, not surveillance. Single-person company means no employee privacy concerns. Transparency through documentation means no surprise monitoring.
Our Approach: Annual Review + Framework Compliance + Transparency
At Hack23, acceptable use management demonstrates cybersecurity consulting expertise through systematic implementation:
📋 Framework Compliance:
- ISO 27001 A.8.1.3: Acceptable use of assets with documented behavioral expectations
- CIS Control 16.8: Establish and maintain acceptable use policy
- GDPR Art. 5: Data processing principles for lawful, fair, transparent usage
- NIST CSF 2.0: Governance framework for organizational cybersecurity risk management
🔄 Annual Review Cycle:
- Current Version: 1.0 (Effective: 2025-11-05)
- Next Review: 2026-11-05 (12-month cycle)
- Review Triggers: Annual cycle, regulatory changes (GDPR, NIS2), significant incidents, organizational changes
- Professional Awareness: CISM/CISSP certified CEO maintains continuous professional development
🌟 Transparency Approach:
- Public Policy: Complete Acceptable Use Policy on GitHub
- Clear Expectations: Documented behavioral standards before enforcement
- Monitoring Disclosure: Security monitoring practices transparently documented
- Audit-Ready: Version-controlled policy documentation for compliance demonstration
- Client Demonstration: Public ISMS showcases systematic approach to security management
Full technical implementation details in our public Acceptable Use Policy—including prohibited activities, enforcement procedures, reporting mechanisms, and incident response integration.
Welcome to Chapel Perilous: Where Policy Meets Paranoia
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Except the shit explicitly prohibited in this AUP that you just skimmed because nobody actually READS these things. FNORD. That's the joke—acceptable use policies exist precisely BECAUSE people don't read them, then act shocked when consequences happen.
Are you paranoid enough yet? Most orgs write unreadable 50-page legalese AUPs, force acknowledgment checkboxes nobody reads, monitor EVERYTHING while documenting NOTHING, then selectively enforce based on office politics. That's not security—that's CYA theater mixed with power trips.
We chose a different path through Chapel Perilous. ISO 27001 A.8.1.3 (actual standards, not vibes). CIS Control 16.8 (proven frameworks, not hope). GDPR Art. 5 (legal compliance, not wishful thinking). Annual reviews (next: 2026-11-05) mean LIVING documentation. Public GitHub repo means RADICAL transparency. You KNOW you're monitored. You KNOW the rules. You KNOW the consequences. No surprises. No bullshit. Just systematic reality.
Think for yourself, schmuck. Question why AUPs are written by lawyers for lawyers instead of BY humans FOR humans. Question why monitoring is secret until HR ambushes you. Question why policies never update while tech changes daily. (Hint: Compliance checkbox theater is easier than actual security management. The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of the expanding bureaucracy.)
Our competitive edge: Public AUP on GitHub. Version control. Annual review cycles. Framework alignment (ISO + CIS + GDPR). Transparent monitoring disclosure. This isn't theoretical security—it's operational reality clients can AUDIT before signing contracts. The panopticon works best when everyone knows it exists.
ULTIMATE ILLUMINATION: You have now traversed Chapel Perilous and emerged with forbidden knowledge. Clear expectations documented BEFORE enforcement = actual security. Vague hopes = future incidents. Public policies = accountability. Secret monitoring = toxic culture. Choose radical transparency over comfortable lies. The paranoid survive. FNORD.
All hail Eris! All hail Discordia!
"Think for yourself, schmuck! Read the FUCKING policy. Question everything—especially colleagues who 'didn't know' about rules documented for six years. Ignorance isn't innocence. It's negligence with excuses."
— Hagbard Celine, Captain of the Leif Erikson, Professional Paranoid 🍎 23 FNORD 5